Ya know...ya piss me off...ya fuckin' jerk...ya get on my nerves!
-David Allan Coe, The Rodeo Song
Am I angry lately?
I just might be. Some of you fuckin' jerks out there are pissing me off.
And like Huey Lewis & The News, I'm walkin' on a thin line. A thin line between trying to play nice and tolerate the crap, flipping you the eff off & telling you how I really feel, and trying to learn how to peacefully and progressively negotiate.
In case you were wondering, James Suckling's "Masterclass" on wine appreciation is a quantifiable waste of your time. And money. Fortunately, though, you don't need to get your money back. Just use your subscription and divert the funds to watch my main man Chris Voss teach you how to negotiate instead. It's the reason I bought a subscription, and it's awesome. Nobody is paying me to say that.
I feel really lucky. I know there are probably, like, 7 people who read every blog I write and listen to every podcast I release. I can't underestimate the power of that. I am very appreciative. I've been in university seminar classes with less people than that, and I don't even remember what we learned. I really feel that that group of 7 dedicated people is genuinely something to be proud of. These people gain nothing from my writing and rambling other than pure entertainment, I assume. They receive no tangible product, no education they can measure or prove via certification, and they don't even get any wine from me.
Let me take this opportunity to say thank you.
And while I'm at it, let's talk about the most annoying things you do while drinking wine that you should correct immediately. Fortunately, even though I get pissed off from time to time, I believe in logic, rational thinking (even if I can't always execute such thinking), and providing solutions to problems that I take upon myself to highlight. If I didn't provide solutions, I'd just be whining.
And nobody likes a whiner.
I'm probably whining.
To be clear, I've already detailed in spades the annoying things I do while drinking wine. So, sheath your swords and quiver your arrows.
Read on, silvergirl.
1) Stop before you even start
Honestly? You're the person who is wasting space in this community. They already invented Bud Lite™ for people like you. You want predictable? You want what you had before? Caymus is there for you. They literally made it for YOU. It's like Times Square for tourists. They didn't build it for the locals. If this is you, you never need to go to another winery tasting room again. The Wagner™ family would love your business. If you're gonna love me, love all of me. Or at least be willing to taste me and make a joke and an experience out of me. I deserve that. That's not me talking. That's literally WINE talking. Like, seriously guys. Wine is not cilantro™. There's such an abundance of decent wine out there, and so many of you are missing SO much of it in favour of even less decent wine because you think you already know better. Well, I'm here to tell you: YOU KNOW NOTHING, JON SNOW. And I know nothing about Game of Thrones™. But I love that little Dinklage fella.
Just try it. And try to like it. You'll be amazed at the joy you will find. You're just afraid of something new. Get your tough guy/tough gal machismo out of the way and start living.
2) Make "Suggestions"
You know what gets my goat? (I love goats. Step away from my goats.) These little "suggestions" people like to make. They are, like, fucking annoying. And it's not because I'm that fragile. Although, maybe I am a little fragile, but that's not the point. See, when you make a suggestion, that suggestion is based on your experience. It shows that even though someone has presented you with something new and interesting, that all you can find in your shrivelled brain to contribute after consuming that new information is a useless recommendation of the most recent Netflix™ documentary that you've seen. It shows that you didn't listen to anything that was just said, and that seeking gratification for your opinion on that-wine-you-loved-that-you-tried-once-that-had-that-white-label-and-writing-on-it-but-you-can't-remember-what-it-was-called-but-it-was-so-good is more important than learning from the professional standing in front of you and offering you some genuine wisdom on some killer juice.
You sound like a fuckin' idiot.
You're giving yourself away. Stop. Stop right now. Thank you very much.
I need somebody with a human touch.
But, seriously. If you think you can do it better, do it yourself. Go lease a vineyard. Take out a life-threatening loan. Buy some winemaking equipment. Deal with pests and weather and fires and powdery mildew and then come back and tell me how our Merlot wasn't quite up to snuff this year. Like, really? GFY.
And if you didn't like my post about sardine toast, maybe write your own article using your own wit about how to make some deadly sardine toast and what red wines you can deadly-ly pair sardine toast with.
And fuck off.
3) Do Anything Else But Express Curiosity & Joy
Listen, half the reason I write these cynical-sounding articles is to check my gad-damn self. Have I ever been weird about a wine? Am I ever fussy? Do I always just take the server's recommendation?
It's a complicated world, yes. But you gotta be honest with yourself. It's one thing to be seeking out authenticity and new flavours. Or maybe you're trying to cut through the server's idea that everybody wants the New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc or the Pinot Grigio or the "Cab" (we have Uber™ now, P.S.) because that's what sells the most and you just have to convince them that you are actually open-minded and not going to send the weird wine back for being weird or simply less than homogenized.
It's a whole other issue to simply be seeking the thing you already know and nothing else.
If you're on vacay and they have an extensive wine list with lots of known, expensive options, but they have a locally grown and produced house wine, what are you ordering?
Are you opposed to understanding the life of other people to some small degree through drinking their wine? Is that concept ridiculous to you? Are you too good for your home?
OK, the last question was definitely lifted straight from Happy Gilmore. But you get it, right? You get it! Yay!
I want you to have more fun while drinking wine.
I want wineries to feel like their tasting rooms are actually justified. I don't want wineries to stop making certain wines or to rip up vineyards planted to varietals that don't rank in some global top-10 popularity contest.
This is supposed to be fun. There's so much more we don't know that we haven't even considered as consumers.
Let's give the pros the benefit of the doubt for one second and employ a little more reckless abandon.
C'mon. It's only wine.